That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
