I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
