Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
