LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
