WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
