saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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