My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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