She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
