So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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