I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
