he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I need water and some morals
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
