it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
