so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
