Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
