Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
