i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
