can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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