i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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