You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
