Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
