She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
40s are totally the cure
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
