I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
