my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
