The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
