the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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