i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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