...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
