3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
