Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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