she woke up with a sticky ear
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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