I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
