there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
