you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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