We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
