My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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