Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
