she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
