honey bunches of taint.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
