Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
