Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
