I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
