Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
