My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
