Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
