I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
