I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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