Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I know her cup size but not her name....
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
