it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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