All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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