my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
