Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
