What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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